Weapons

For better or worse, some people are weapons.  I hear this word thrown around a bit, so I’d like to confirm that a weapon is not necessarily a buffed guy with washboard abs, nor somebody who can end a fight with one blow (although many weapons may possess these attributes). No, weapons can take many forms.  The 40 something guy at your work with no girlfriend and bad dandruff who continually sends you unfunny semi pornographic emails; your mate who insists on forcing tequila shots down your mouth even though you’ve told them a hundred times that you will vomit, pass out and ruin the night for everybody; or the guy you’re trying to buy a used car from who always does that second grip thing on a handshake - these are all prime examples of weapons.  I’ve always struggled to articulate exactly what makes somebody a weapon, but I found my friend’s definition incredibly satisfying, so I’ll steal it.  A weapon is a lemon who thinks they’re killing it.

Australia is a blessed to have one of the world’s largest and most captivating collections from the animal kingdom, and our native weapons are no exception.  Probably the most notable and interesting breed is the Aussie Male Weapon.  Often seen shirtless at music festivals parading a southern cross tattoo and a straighty 180 cap, the AMW is generally a pack animal and a volatile creature that can be either extremely friendly or aggressive, hence they are probably best avoided.  AMWs can be found in all pockets of the island, yet they tend to prefer the warmer weather as can be demonstrated by considering the AMW dispersion on the East Coast.  You won’t find too many in Melbourne, there is a good number in Sydney, even more in Brisbane, and despite an unusually large clustering on the Gold Coast, you can generally follow this rule all the way North to Cairns.  Cairns is the Salt Lake City or Mecca equivalent for AMWs.  If you find yourself in Cairns it is good to always carry a 50 pack of Holidays (aka ‘a pocket bible’) on you and try to wear a Rugby League or AFL Jersey (a Rugby Union jersey is stepping into dangerous territory), this way you should be safe from any unwanted attention.   You might think that the AMWs would leave Far North Queensland during the wet season, however it actually provides them with the perfect hibernation period in which they work on their guns, purchase jet ski fuel on bulk(which is significantly cheaper in the tourist off season) and rest up for another summer of beer swigging, chick smashing madness.

Having never been to the West Coast, I can’t really comment on the AMW demographics over there.  But I did happen to watch Such is Life: The Ben Cousins Story.  He is perhaps the biggest weapon in the world and is universally worshipped by AMWs for his commitment to the six day bender.  This makes me think that perhaps the AMW dispersion is inverted in Western Australia with the largest clusters in the South.  But that’s just guess work.

But AMWs are not the only kind of weapon, and don’t think for a moment that the inner city scummy turned gentrified soy latte hubs are not conducive to weapon behaviour.  I’ve met plenty of bohemian weapons.  They roll their own cigarettes, wear very nice shoes and will criticise you avidly for liking sport or not having a comprehensive knowledge of David Lynch films or different brands of gin.

I’ve given weapons a bad wrap, and for that I’m sorry.  For all my criticism, I must admit that weapons fuel a lot of my enjoyment, and I do not mean only by laughing at them or gutlessly mocking them on scarcely read internet forums.  Sometimes being in the company of a weapon will be the greatest time of your life.  What’s more, I think it is important that we all engage in some form of weapon behaviour every now and then.  Whether it be shouting a bar full of strangers Jager Bombs with money you don’t really have, or changing a song midway through at a party to put on Bruce Springsteen, a little weapon action can go a long way.