Shit

I read an article recently that claimed constipation was largely a modern, Western construct.  Apparently, years of sitting on cold porcelain toilets jams up all the evacuation muscles.  Conversely, people from Eastern countries, where the squat method is favoured, experience a lifetime of smooth flow.  Whilst we are trained to consider a toilet infinitely classier than a ‘hole in the ground’, anybody who has considered all the other sweaty arse cheeks that have graced the toilet seat with their presence, or has had a bad dose of haemorrhoids, may begin to consider such notions of class irrelevant.  But more importantly, this discussion made me realise that throughout the course of history man has tried to conquer shit.  We’ve made spaces, practices, medicines, diets and a delicate language of euphemisms that seek to reduce the negative impact shit has on our life.  But through all this shit remains taboo and is hence quite often an awkward procedure.  We are terrified of shit; its smell, its sound, its stain.  To shit is as universal as to breathe or eat, yet it hovers under the current of acceptability, occasionally popping up to surprise us in new and shocking ways.  In short, in the war between man and shit, shit is winning.

For proof of this, consider a situation so common I’d say we’ve all experienced it.  If you haven’t, then you surely live in fear.  You are at a friend’s house, not a close friend but a distant friend, like your girlfriend’s grandparents, or somebody you met backpacking but increasingly realise you don’t like.  Your attempts to avoid the situation are futile, and soon enough you are parked on the porcelain wondering if you can do it quick enough to pass it off as a piss.  When stage one is finished (remember what I said about those euphemisms!) you realise you’ve got a problem; all that hangs on that little metal bar is a piece of cylindrical cardboard with remnants of paper clinging to a gluey patch.  You shuffle delicately over to the basin, scour the draws, cupboards, mirrors.  Nothing.  Where to go from here is debatable, but my research tells me that three common options emerge.  In no particular order they are;

To shred the toilet roll into fine, paper like strips.

Do you remember when Minties had the competition for who could create the longest strip by tearing a wrapper with your fingers?  Well my fat, nailless fingers always let me down hugely on this task, so for me, option one is out.  But it does have the advantage of being entirely flushable.

Hand towels, socks or underpants.

Here it’s not so much the wiping that’s the problem, but the disposal.  Remember, a blocked toilet should be avoided at all costs.  A friend told me recently that if caught she would use a hand towel and then just wash it with soap in the basin and leave it to dry.  I just don’t think it’s that simple.

Having a shower.

In many ways the best option, however it comes with one large catch.  You’ll most likely have to explain or justify to your friend(s) why you felt it necessary to help yourself to shower in the middle of a meal.  At this point, you may consider that it would have been easier to just shout out for some toilet paper earlier, after all, none of this was really your fault.

But this is just one of many situations in which we find ourselves at the mercy of shit.  Sometimes it can help to have some pre-emptive measures in place.  Many people find great comfort in having a box of matches in the bathroom at all times, or laying down a foundation of paper before they get things started (known as a ‘silencer’).  But in my opinion, the key is to become more open to discussion of shit.  Conversations may seem unsettling at first, but soon enough everybody will join it.  After all it is one of few topics to which everybody can contribute.  A simple intro like, ‘Do you poo at work?’ can open up doors you never knew existed. 

Once we break down the awkwardness and increase the collective knowledge of shit, life will be easier for everybody.  I look forward to an age where toilet roll shredding, hand towel soaking and unplanned showers are things of the past, simply because it would be socially acceptable for a grown up to shout for assistance from the toilet.