Mashing

Like any unemployed creative arts graduate, I’ve got a bit of a lefty environmentalist streak in me.  It occasionally urges me to pick up empty beer bottles from the neighbourhood park.  It makes me feel really bad every time I leave my reusable green shopping bags at home and end up with another twenty plastic ones in standing reserve back at home.  And even worse when I forget to take one of my countless plastic bags out when walking the dog and just ignore him when he shits on the sidewalk.  But although I try to live my life within this contradictory and inconsistent framework, there is one vice that I consciously and relentlessly indulge in.  I’m a masher.

It started as a kid when I was forced to wash up.  Although mum insisted that plates needed to be scraped into the bin and then rinsed, I was industrious enough to realise that this first step was unnecessary.  It was totally possible to get a yellow chicken curry and some rice down the sink, it just took a little mashing with the back of a spoon.

Some foods are made to be mashed.  Cereal is my favourite.  Pasta is also a good one depending on the style; some small shells will swim right down that drain whereas spaghetti will take some skilful and intense mashing.  And with a bit of work, steamed vegies will get in nicely too.

But mashing is not confined to the food-down-sink scenario.  At a friend’s party, one of the guests got so drunk that they decided to shower off.  It wasn’t such a bad idea until incontinence got the better of him and he shat all through the shower.  Remembering the experience of cleaning up this disaster, the host told me, “He could have at least stomped the poos down the drain!  But no, he just left them there.”  What I deduced from this story was that if you happen to get drunk and shit in somebody’s shower, at least have the courtesy to mash.  Perhaps this delicate social instruction should be written down in every bathroom - ‘Please Mash Your Poos After Showering.’ 

The attraction of mashing is twofold.  Firstly it’s a cheat.  As Humans we love shortcuts and quick fixes, but they are often inadequate, especially when overused.  When the plumber finds an ultra inflated piece of aborio rice jamming the S-Bend, you may start to realise the complications that mashing can lead to.  But above factors of time and laziness, mashing taps into the primordial urge to squeeze things through small openings.  I am being as euphemistic as I sound, but this is not strictly a vulgar reference, and anybody who has ever used an icing tube knows the sensation I speak of.

Ultimately, it is best to mash in moderation.  What, when and where you mash are crucial factors in avoiding negative impacts.  If all this sounds like rubbish, it’s possible you don’t have the mashing gene.  But to be sure, try mashing your next meal and see what you think.