Make Charity History

There are two kinds of pests that hang out on footpaths and produce shit; pigeons, and those fuckers who try to sign you up to charities.

They jump out with disturbingly friendly greetings and that little spark in their eye that suggests they have a little too much eagerness for life.  An eagerness that could have led them down a path of religion, athletics, or hardcore drugs, but has instead led them here – standing on street corners making people feel guilty and awkward.

The key to their approach is to lock you in with eye contact, a hand shake or a even a high five.  Then they get you talking.  An opening question might be;

‘Do you think it is fair for innocent humans to get tortured for no good reason?’

 They talk about political prisoners, or starving children, or mistreated animals.  Your heart starts to sink so you give them your email address, then they email you some more distressing facts, with pictures and personal stories this time, so you give them your credit card details.  Then they call you and ask if you’ve changed credit cards when really you’ve just maxed it out, and now feel even worse so up your monthly contribution and apologize for the BANK’s error.

I’d like to say that I have some witty routine for evading these urban warriors of do-goodedness.  Like a sharp one liner that makes the whole situation ethically unstable.  Or that I could just storm through them shouldering them off like The Verve did in the film clip to Bittersweet Symphony. Remember that?  That song that we all liked from Cruel Intentions but later claimed we’d always been into The Verve.

But I’ve got nothing.  Sometimes I pretend to be on the phone, but generally I just try to look cool when I’m actually, noticeably, intimidated – sort of like when you’d get in trouble from a hot teacher in primary school.

This might all seem a bit sinister.  After all, surely it doesn’t matter that I’ve been a slightly inconvenienced when the ultimate goal is to save lives, or help those who are far worse off than me.

So the question begs, is it okay for charity organisations to harass unwilling pedestrians?  Do the ends justify the means?

I say no.

Along that sort of logic, interns could line the street corners out the front of hospitals trying to guilt you into donating organs.

Also, the question also begs, why not just give some money to the homeless people who ask for it?  The counter argument suggests that they will spend it on alcohol or drugs, but if they are in fact this way inclined, will your refusal really solve their problem?

In both instances, someone is asking for our money and we are to decide whether we are willing to part with it or not.  And in both cases, the primary motivator seems to be guilt. 

I don’t think charities are evil, or pointless, but certainly a bit manipulative.  And if the less admirable but more honest reason we give to charity is to feel good about ourselves, well, these corner lingering, clip board swinging, sparkly eyed kids in their Chuck Taylor’s and pastel coloured t-shirts...they just piss me off.